Where Am I? A Poem

Where Am I?

Waking up in a bed of confusion,

Feeling lost in a familiar place.

Standing in the street

Paralyzed with fear.

Oh God, Where am I?

At home, but completely homeless

Not knowing what I should know.

In the right place but not belonging,

Exhausted but unable to sleep.

Oh God, Where have you brought me?

Driving on an unknown road,

Trying to remember what to do.

Looking for signs that I can read,

Hoping I end up where I need to be.

Oh God, Where are we going?

Listening for words I understand,

But hearing only silence.

Asking questions and getting no answers,

And letting go of that which is no longer mine.

Oh God, Where are you?

I have brought you to this place

Of familiar and unknown,

A place of confusion and peace,

A place where you have nothing.

My Child, You are with me.

I have taken you away from comfort,

In order to start over.

I have taken away that which you know

And the things in which you have found security.

My Child, I have brought you to a new beginning.

I have set you on a brand new path,

So that you trust in me alone for direction.

I have placed detours on this road

And new faces for you to encounter.

My Child, We are going where only I can take you.

I have brought you to a place of silence

So that you will learn to listen to only my voice.

I am speaking in whispers so that you will ignore all other sounds,

And choose to hear what I want so desperately to tell you:

My Child, I am where I have always been – Everywhere you are.

State of Confusion

Have you ever woken up and for a moment or two been really confused about where you were, even though you might be in your own bed? Or have you perhaps gotten lost in a completely familiar setting? I have been back in the States for about 3 weeks now, and for the most part, have not had any major culture shocks. There have been a few little things here and there -- going into a grocery store and feeling lost even though everything is in English; or forgetting how to use the little credit card machine in the checkout line; getting used to driving again and having to remember all the rules of the road. Just a side note -- I have been reminded of a couple things in the past few weeks: 1.) Hollywood and the tv networks are almost out of original ideas, and 2.) Americans are completely obsessed with food (Just watch an hour on the food network and you will agree).

Anyway, so i haven't been too shocked by what's around me here, but today something happened that really took me by surprise (thus my opening questions). I walked outside to get the mail, and halfway there I had to stop. I was overwhelmed with this sense of "Where in the world am I?!" The answer, for a moment, was "I don't know." The simple acts of getting the mail and standing in my driveway completely threw me for a loop. I really felt like I was in a different world and I wasn't sure how to get home. Home for me has been Russia for the past 13 years, not Crestview, Florida. Everything in my normal life is no longer normal. I know that I am supposed to be here right now, but I don't feel like I belong here (if that makes any sense at all). I have been missing Moscow and HCA a lot this week, especially since school started there. I have had to remind myself that "my classroom" is no longer "mine." I am thankful for the technology of facebook to keep up with my students and friends, but it's not the same as seeing everybody again and getting lots of hugs. All of this has been a great reminder that we as Christians don't have a home here -- we are aliens and strangers in a foreign land. Our true home is heaven -- that is where our citizenship lies. I am sure that there will be more times to come of cultural confusion over the next few months. Please continue to pray for me as I work through all of this transition and the feelings of homesickness. I will be starting a substitute teacher job next week, and I am hoping that will help. Until next time...Peace, love, and kimpap!

до свидания

As i sit here in the airport in Moscow, getting ready to fly out for the last time, there are many thoughts and emotions that I am dealing with. We'll see if I can get through typing this blog without losing it completely (I'll let you know at the end). 15 & 1/2 years ago, God brought me here, and I had no idea what He had in store for me. Looking back, the only word that comes to mind is "WOW!" What a journey it's been! In one sense, I am closing the book on this chapter in my life. I know I will be back to visit, but my life is getting ready to take a completely different route on this journey, and just like 15 yrs ago, I don't have any idea what is going to happen.

There are many things that I will miss about Moscow and many things that i won't miss. At one point I had started my Top 10 list of what I would and wouldn't miss, but never quite finished that. So let me tell you some of those top 10. I will miss the beauty of summer here and the beauty of winter. I will miss the snow but not the bitterly cold temperatures or the winds that literally chill you to the bones. I will miss the ease of public transportation and not having to deal with car repairs, insurance or gas; but I will not miss the throngs of people that crowd into the metros, nor the lovely smells that accompany them. I will miss the view from my kitchen window, but not the late night drunken parties or the constant flow of car alarms. I will miss a lot of Russian food -- blini, schwarma, Black bread, pelmeni, and smoked cheese. I will miss being able to walk most anywhere. In Florida it's too hot to do most anything outside, especially walk from place to place.

But most of all, I will miss the people who have changed my life. I will miss my roomates, my close family at Hinkson, and the most amazing students in the world. I will miss their hugs and their laughter. I will miss late night poker parties at my apt. I will miss the interaction that comes with being a teacher and relationships that I have built here.

All of this being said, I know that wherever God leads me next, I will carry Russia in my heart forever. I am leaving Russia with 3 suitcases, and 2 carry-ons but I am leaving pieces of my heart here.

P.S...I didn't cry during this blog write. In the words of Michael Card..."There is a joy in the journey. There's a light we can love on the way. There is a wonder and wildness to life, and freedom for those who obey." Here is to finding that joy!

до свидания.

The Reality of Relationships

My time in Korea has come to an end. Tomorrow night I will return to Moscow for 3 days to collect my stuff, say more goodbyes, and then head Stateside on Friday.

To say that my time here was amazing, just doesn't quite seem

to do it. I had a fantastic time teaching and getting to know some new kids. I even learned a thing to two about the SAT. I also did a fair amount of sightseeing -- went to Seoul 4 times, did a little touring in Suwon, and went to the North/South Korean border. I ate so much good food, I am sure that I gained some weight. But all of these things pale in comparison to what brought me the most joy here. I have been teaching for 13 years now, and that means that I have taught a lot of students and built many strong friendships with them. Over the past month, I was able to reconnect with many of these students, and I was reminded of how valuable my friendships and relationships really are to me. Life would not exist without these relationships. I can't imagine how people live their lives without strong friendships and community. I remember being in middle school and having no real friendships -- I think that is why they are so important to me now.

As I look back over my life, I realize that there have been relationships that I have let slip away. There have been times I have made mistakes in my relationships, causing others to be hurt by my actions or my words. Obviously if I could go back in time and restore those relationships or make more effort to stay in touch, I would do so. But I can't, so I must move on and make sure to cultivate more deliberately the relationships I have right now. It was so awesome for me this month to see students again, some of them whom I consider to be good friends. I loved the fact that I could talk with them about where they are in their lives, what God is doing, and where they are headed; that we have could have serious talks and laugh our heads off about the old days as well. Some of them I may not see again for a few years, but I know that our friendship will still be there the next time we meet.

I have said this numerous times, but I want to say it once more -- I never imagined that my life would be as blessed as it right now, for the simple reason that I have people in my life that care about me and have shown me love. Especially when it comes to the students I have taught, I would not trade the world for the time I have spent with them. Some of you may have heard this saying: "In a hundred years it won't matter what my bank account was or what kind of car i drove or house I had; what will matter was that I was important in the life of a child." Thank you God, for the chances I have had to influence children's lives, and thank you to all of you who have made a difference in mine.

Reboot in Korea -- Part 2

Day 2 in Suwon was pretty busy. I had a meeting with the other teachers and school director, Joseph Kim, for about an hour and a half. Then an American family took my fellow teacher and I to the local "Walmart." We grabbed some basic food necessities, and then enjoyed a great lunch in the Korea food court. I had bulgogi -- meet mixed with rice and wrapped in lettuce -- and kimchi. We came back to the apartment after lunch and i fell asleep on the couch. With a combination of jet lag and that amazing lunch, can ya blame me? We were then picked up about 2:30 and taken to a Korean cultural village. I really enjoyed walking around and seeing lots of old houses as well as some great dancing and a very old tightrope walker.

The day ended with a great supper -- bibimbop. This is one of my new favorite Korean dishes. It's is vegetables mixed with rice and chili sauce. Sometimes there is an egg added, but the veggies and rice are so hot (temperature) the egg cooks right away. All in all, I would say that the first couple days here have been great. Tomorrow is church and then a free afternoon, and Monday we will begin teaching. Please pray that the teaching goes well -- SAT prep is not something I have done before, but I think it will be fun.

I will load more pics onto facebook and my picasa site (https://picasaweb.google.com/philbrande)

Until next time...Peace, love & kimbap...

Reboot in Korea -- Part 1.

So, I know I have not updated my blog in quite a while, and there really isn't much exuse -- i have only been teaching middle school, traveling all over the world, finishing my time in Russia, packing up my classroom and apartment, and saying lots and lots of goodbyes. Well, now that I am in Korea for a month, i might as well get this thing back on track. I mean, i'm not sure there would be a better time or place to do so. So, here we go again...

I left Moscow Thursday evening (June 9) after having said goodbye to my apartment and my roommates. It was pretty surreal walking out of my apartment (where i have lived for 10 yrs) for the last time. I flew from Moscow to Dubai, waited in the Dubai airport for about 3 hrs, and then flew to Seoul. The flight left at 3:30 am and the plane was massive! I don't think I have ever flown on a plane that large. The plane was a double-decker, and I think there were between 90-100 rows on both decks combined. Technology is an amazing thing. If we stopped to think about how we can do lots of things in the world that we really shouldn't be able to do (like get a plane that big to stay in the air), I think we would be rather shocked.

Anyway, I was able to get some sleep on that flight, so I was thankful for that. I got into Seoul about 4:30, but by the time I got through passport and customs, and collected my bag -- the baggage carousel broke down just as I got into the luggage area but thankfully, my bag had already come out -- and got to the school in SuWon, it was about 7:00. I was given a good meal for supper and forced myself to stay awake until 9:30. I slept well until 3:30 - gotta love that jet lag. I fell asleep again at 5:30 and was woken up once more my my alarm at 7:00.

Day 2 and pictures in Part 2...

Uganda 2010