Where Am I? A Poem

Where Am I?

Waking up in a bed of confusion,

Feeling lost in a familiar place.

Standing in the street

Paralyzed with fear.

Oh God, Where am I?

At home, but completely homeless

Not knowing what I should know.

In the right place but not belonging,

Exhausted but unable to sleep.

Oh God, Where have you brought me?

Driving on an unknown road,

Trying to remember what to do.

Looking for signs that I can read,

Hoping I end up where I need to be.

Oh God, Where are we going?

Listening for words I understand,

But hearing only silence.

Asking questions and getting no answers,

And letting go of that which is no longer mine.

Oh God, Where are you?

I have brought you to this place

Of familiar and unknown,

A place of confusion and peace,

A place where you have nothing.

My Child, You are with me.

I have taken you away from comfort,

In order to start over.

I have taken away that which you know

And the things in which you have found security.

My Child, I have brought you to a new beginning.

I have set you on a brand new path,

So that you trust in me alone for direction.

I have placed detours on this road

And new faces for you to encounter.

My Child, We are going where only I can take you.

I have brought you to a place of silence

So that you will learn to listen to only my voice.

I am speaking in whispers so that you will ignore all other sounds,

And choose to hear what I want so desperately to tell you:

My Child, I am where I have always been – Everywhere you are.

State of Confusion

Have you ever woken up and for a moment or two been really confused about where you were, even though you might be in your own bed? Or have you perhaps gotten lost in a completely familiar setting? I have been back in the States for about 3 weeks now, and for the most part, have not had any major culture shocks. There have been a few little things here and there -- going into a grocery store and feeling lost even though everything is in English; or forgetting how to use the little credit card machine in the checkout line; getting used to driving again and having to remember all the rules of the road. Just a side note -- I have been reminded of a couple things in the past few weeks: 1.) Hollywood and the tv networks are almost out of original ideas, and 2.) Americans are completely obsessed with food (Just watch an hour on the food network and you will agree).

Anyway, so i haven't been too shocked by what's around me here, but today something happened that really took me by surprise (thus my opening questions). I walked outside to get the mail, and halfway there I had to stop. I was overwhelmed with this sense of "Where in the world am I?!" The answer, for a moment, was "I don't know." The simple acts of getting the mail and standing in my driveway completely threw me for a loop. I really felt like I was in a different world and I wasn't sure how to get home. Home for me has been Russia for the past 13 years, not Crestview, Florida. Everything in my normal life is no longer normal. I know that I am supposed to be here right now, but I don't feel like I belong here (if that makes any sense at all). I have been missing Moscow and HCA a lot this week, especially since school started there. I have had to remind myself that "my classroom" is no longer "mine." I am thankful for the technology of facebook to keep up with my students and friends, but it's not the same as seeing everybody again and getting lots of hugs. All of this has been a great reminder that we as Christians don't have a home here -- we are aliens and strangers in a foreign land. Our true home is heaven -- that is where our citizenship lies. I am sure that there will be more times to come of cultural confusion over the next few months. Please continue to pray for me as I work through all of this transition and the feelings of homesickness. I will be starting a substitute teacher job next week, and I am hoping that will help. Until next time...Peace, love, and kimpap!